Disclaimers and other anecdotes from your new sports guy

Sports are manly.


I’m told that on occasion they are also gentlemanly, which might explain why the Quorum of Gentlmen asked the only sports writer any of them could think of to join the group.

Some disclaimers…

I don’t give a shit about baseball until, say, mid-August. You don’t either, so don’t bother wasting our time reminiscing about sunny-Summer-Sunday afternoons at the ol’ ball park with your Pops and a bag of peanuts.  The fact is this - you were bored and the Old Man was too, so don’t feel bad. I know, you both came home sunburned after 6-hours of sitting in the bleachers day-dreaming about being the one lucky ass-hole to catch a foul-ball, and since then you’ve had plenty of hearty of laughs at Thanksgiving and Easter and what-not about the rash and the peeling, but burnt-flesh does not a pleasant memory make.

Pennant races and the playoffs are an entirely different situation. Now that’s a slice of Americana that even the Taliban could get behind. There are few things in life, and even fewer in the world of sports, that are more intense than nine innings of elimination baseball. Every pitch, swing and stroll to the mound is crucial. Every run scored is like striking gold… blah, blah, blah the point is it’s worth talking about.

Also, I hate the Mariners.

Soccer moms are hot. The World Cup kicks ass and I plan on getting up early, staying up late and drinking plenty of beer while I watch it unfold on my television set. I played a lot of soccer growing up and probably could have played in college had I not discovered marijuana and pussy as a teenager, but that’s an all too familiar story that your father, father’s father and father’s father’s father have passed down the generational ladder. Like Brando, we all could have been contenders had tits not gotten in our way.

The one exception to that rule is U.S.A. Soccer. They blow. They always have and always will. Landon Donovan, Alexi Lalas and Tony Meola are hacks compared to real Footies like Maradonna, Beckenbauer or Best and that’s just the way I like it. American soccer is simple minded and boring compared to the product produced throughout the rest of the world.

FYI, the U.S. opens the World Cup against England next month in South Africa. I’ll be rooting for England and I say that as an absolute fan of democracy. Though I did vote for Obama, so technically I'm a socialist.

College football is king. One of things that makes college football the ruler of the kingdom of sports is it’s fucked up way of determining a national champion. A kingdom is akin to a dictatorship and the dictator says only the big-boys get to hold the crystal football.

Corrupt?   Yep, but nobody wants to live in a world where Boise State is calling the shots. Seriously, up until two-months ago Bronco Nation was a small collection of community college students and their hillbilly parents. Don’t believe me? Look it up.

Even if you love the underdog and the idea of tournament football you should know this – the only thing a playoff guarantees is that the Boise States of the world will get pummeled by the big-boys in the first round. Isn’t life better when programs like Boise State get to play in a meaningless Fiesta Bowl against an underwhelming Oklahoma and actually beat them? Now imagine what the Broncos would be up against if that Fiesta Bowl had meant something and the Sooners actually given a shit. That’s exactly what teams like Boise State would be up against.

Also, google the following… “Lane Kiffin’s wife”.



- Sauce