The Shut Up Diet

I've lost 50 lbs in 6 months.  There are millions of ways to be less fat; and every diet you read is right.  There are some pretty jacked up theories out there; but there is no wrong way to take responsibility for your fat ass.  Just do something, ANYTHING.  Move yourself in the direction of fitness and don't stop 'til you get there.  Shut up and drop a few pants sizes!

Here are my 5 easy steps to achieve a less fat you.  Follow my suggestions or don't.  This advice is unsolicited, unwelcome, poorly organized and has not been evaluated by the FDA.  But I am wearing size 36 britches right now and last Xmas I was wearing a size 42. 


1) Movement: sweat every day for 3 weeks.  You don't have to "workout" for an hour.  Just do something . . . anything . . . until you sweat.  After 21 days, start alternating sweaty days with lazy butthound days.  Or exercise 4 days a week.  Or do isometric desk movements while sitting on a fitness ball at your desk all day. 


Walk further, pick up heavy things, stop watching TV.  Do more.  Sit less.  Make it a habit.  You do not have to become an athlete.  You do not need to even like exercise.  Heck, you don't even have to exercise....but get up and move.  Do more chores, pull more weeds, walk the dog, have lots of sex.  It really doesn't matter.  For the record, I walk the dog a lot more than I have sex. 

Exercising earlier in the day will help you boost your metabolism for the remainder of your day.  But there is no wrong way to break a sweat.  Morning noon or night:  bust a move.  Or don't.  I don't care if you get diabetes and have to get your feet amputated.  That just means more shoes for me!  Seriously, the last time it was measured, diabetes was directly responsible for 231,404 deaths in this country.  Diabetes was listed on the death certificate as the cause of death.    According to the 2011 National Diabetes Fact Sheet: about 26 million Americans have diabetes right now.  And, yes, circulation issues, artery disorders and nerve diseases (caused by diabetes) will lead to foot and leg amputations.  Also, if you continue to remain fat, people will like you less.  None of this is fun.  

2) pH:  7.4 is normal.  That's the Alkaline state that you're born into.  But the average American's blood pH level is 5.5.  Low numbers mean an acidic state of affairs.  The "good" bacteria that's supposed to populate your tummy is just fine with a higher pH of 7 or better.  Stop rolling your eyes at me; I swear this is the only step of The Shut Up Diet that involves any kind of science.  And this ain't rocket surgery folks.  But you have to get your gut right or your efforts of weight loss will be resisted by your own body.  Internal Revolution!

You see, the beneficial flora in your gastrointestinal tract help you deal with all the garbage you consume.  But the garbage you consume is mostly the fats and starches that create an acidic environment in your gut.  And "bad" bacteria freakin' LOVE acid!
These naughty acidhead bacterium will overtake and play the bully towards your nerdy high-pH bacteria population. If you want to digest like a pro: you got to feed your gut the alkaline forming foods that it needs to break down all the junk.  Lay off the coffee, alcohol, bread, sweets and peanuts for a minute . . . or six weeks.  Give your gizzard a chance to raise it's pH.  Eat broccoli and cabbage and apples.  Learn to love apples.  Pick up a bottle of Bragg's organic apple cider vinegar (or the Trader Joe's equivalent).  Dose yourself with the vinegar at every meal.  Eat lots of yogurt.  Take a probiotic supplement.   Google "alkaline diet" and find a way to choke out the"bad" bacteria by feeding the beneficial bacteria.  Eat figs, olives, edamame, dried apricots and spinach.
If you gotta have nutbutter . . .try almond butter.  Avoid egg yolks; but load up on whey protein powder.  

Foods are classified as acid-forming or alkalizing depending on the effect that they have on the body.  We think of lemon juice as acidic; but the minerals it leaves behind after digestion helps remove hydrogen ions, decreasing the acidity in our system.  It's all about the ions.  pH is really just a measurement of the hydrogen ion concentration.  Click HERE for a list of alkalizing foods.




3) Okay, enough already: Stop eating so goshdang much.  Just eat when you're hungry.  Or eat 6 precisely portioned mini-meals at scheduled intervals.  Or eat a big breakfast and lunch and just have a little nibble at dinner.  Or starve yourself all day, only drinking veggie juice until dinner time, and then feast like a freakin' king!

Or do whatever seems reasonable to you; but don't starve yourself!  Your body will hold onto your fat reserves for dear life if you start depriving it of the fuel it needs to survive.  Dieting is the art of tricking yourself into going against the grain of your built-in survival instincts.  You can count calories if you want.  If you have a tendency to over do it; then maybe you should start tracking the crap you're loading into your system.  I track my food for the purposes of replicating positive results.  If I am paying attention to what I eat, and I end up feeling great, after a day of controlled consumption . . . then I can repeat those same actions the next day. 

I use http://www.myfitnesspal.com/   to track my nutrients.  The myfitnesspal iPhone app makes this task easy and entertaining for me.  There are lots of different programs and systems out there to help you keep a food diary.  If keeping score on your intake helps: then do it.  Really, I just like to geek out on the micronutrient calculations of my daily chow.  But maybe you don't care how much potassium that bok choy you just wolfed down has.


Remember that protein builds muscle.  Muscle is sexier than fat.  Be sexy.  Make sure there is lots of lean protein sources on your shopping list.  Chicken can get really boring; but good organic, hormone free, chicken is really the bestest stuff around.  And think about trying harder-to-break-down carb sources.  If you're gonna eat cereal, ditch the kiddie loops and poofs and switch to the high test stuff.  Whole grain bread too.  And steel cut oatmeal.  The harder your food is to chew, the better.  No pain, no wane. 

There are so many competing expert recommendations for how many calories the average adult should consume in a day.  But there is no such thing as an average adult.  I really don't know how many calories I can effectively metabolize in a day.  And I sure as hell don't know how many donuts you can eat and still fit into your skinny jeans.  The number is likely somewhere between 1200 and 2200 for most people.  But I don't care.  This ain't that kind of diet.  If you are losing weight . . .then you're doing it right.  If you are not losing weight you are eating too much or too little.  Figure it out for yourself and stop whining.  

4) Fiber, fiber, fiber, fiber.  However you want to get more fiber into your diet is fine.  Do it.  Do it now.  Eat 20 - 35 grams of plant fiber daily.  Metamucil or Benefiber is fine.  Eat fruits and veggies or just gnaw off the frayed hem of your bluejeans; but eat more fiber!  You've got about 20 feet of small intestines that you have to push your lunch through before you can drop the kids off at the pool.  Help yourself out by eating more fiber.   

A high fiber diet will help you lower your cholesterol levels, which makes your heart happy.  It will stabilize your blood sugar levels, warding off Type 2 Diabetes.  High fiber diets have been specifically linked to reduced risks of  both colon and breast cancer.  So be nice to your boobs and eat a handful of raspberries today.

5) Mas agua por favor.  Drink at least 64 ounce of water daily.  No excuses.  All that fiber your eating now pulls water out of your gullet; you'll need to replace it.  And, hopefully, your new found love of movement is making you sweat.  You'll need to replace that water too.  Water regulates your body temperature and helps prevent kidney stones and lubricates your joints.  And who doesn't love a good lubricated joint?  Even mild dehydration, a loss of say, 1% of your body weight, will completely zap the energy out of your day.  If you are feeling sick, tired, irritable or have a headache: then you probably need a drink of water.   

When your body is burning fat, because you've deprived it of sugar, your breath will smell like dog poop.  This is an unfortunate but natural side effect of your body's efforts to utilize your stores of fatty acids to replace the glycogen that it normally uses to power up.  The more water you drink, the more you'll flush out waste products through urination . . . instead of through respiration.  In other words; if you drink a lot of water, then the foul smelling byproduct of your fat burning efforts will exit your body via your pee instead of your breath.





Okay, that's it folks.  5 easy to follow steps.  I've haven't cut it short or simplified the process.  It's just not a very complicated system.  Move yourself, lay off the acid, stop pigging out, keep yourself regular and hydrate.  Do it and lose fat.  Or don't do it.  I don't really care.